I am in the living room, minding my business, watching ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ on TV. My mother comes from her room with her sister, they have been gisting. They ask what we are having for lunch. ‘Garri and soup’, I tell them. They want to eat so I go to the kitchen.
Hilary enters with a nerdy looking guy, Will bursts into laughter.
Three trips later, Eba and Egusi soup on the table, water in 2 separate bowls to wash their hands, I sit down.
Hilary is upset, her date has left. Will embarrassed him I guess. I don’t know – I was turning Eba.
Two minutes later, my mother says, ‘Eh-hen, Kech biko ga yota mmiri from neighbour anyi’ (Kech, please go and beg our neighbours if they can spare us drinking water).
Is the sarcasm really necessary? I catch myself in time and I don’t roll my eyes. Why lose an eye? Not worth it.
Carlton is dancing, headphones on, in a world of his own, Uncle Phil is standing there shaking his head. Why can’t he be more like his cousin Will?
I go to the kitchen. 2 glasses, 2 bottles of cold water.
Mom: Mix it, you know I don’t drink very cold water.
I go back and get water from the water filter and mix warm with cold.
I continue my sitcom, she continues her gist. Our cousin has decided to destroy himself, he wants to bring shame to the whole family. Who knew he was up to no good?
#Antenna
(You see, antenna was a code word for ‘listen’. We never actively eavesdropped on our parents’ conversations but if they were talking, fully aware we were there, we convinced ourselves we could listen. One person would say ‘antenna’ to alert the others to pay close attention then later we would download what each person heard to get the full story).
Carlton is suddenly not that interesting. He is not funny, but I can’t let them know. I laugh occasionally to keep up the act. I am not concentrating anymore I am listening.
So, Cousin C we thought had come back to Nigeria to start a car business had actually been deported from America because he didn’t have his ‘papers’. Cousin C was loud, I didn’t like him. Came to Nigeria last Christmas, with his fake accent and his one-dollar bills, sending us on errands like he owned us. He would pull out Dollars, Pounds and Naira from his pocket then say he had forgotten which currency we used here. So annoyinggggg.
Uncle Phil is giving Geoffrey the butler instructions, nothing funny but hahahahahaha.
Mom: Kech, hmmm I na – ege senior gist? (Kech, hmmm you are listening to senior gist?)
Me: (Feigning surprise, my best innocent face) Me? No ooo! Mommy, I’m just watching TV o.
Mom: A ma m (I know), that’s why you are laughing at what is not funny.
Aunty: Leave her, she thinks we can’t see her.
Once again there is really no need losing an eye because I rolled it at her sister, I hold my peace.
Mom: Please ask the neighbours for a refill.
Just say you want more water. You don’t need to be sarcastic.
I get up to get more drinking water. I have stood up too many times, is this worth it? Yes! It is the price I have to pay for hot gist. I was determined to get all I could, it was a golden rule – don’t give incomplete gist, listen properly for details, terrible to get names mixed up too.
I come back and sit down.
Mom: Come and clear these plates, we are done.
She adjusts her house dress and continues talking to her sister. I hurriedly clear them, a total of three trips this time. Cousin C laughed at me because I could not pronounce Arkansas and Ohio properly; threw his head back and roared. The idiot!!! Serves him right! He will know we use Naira here.
‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ is over, ‘Martin’ is showing now.
Mom: (to her sister) You know, they said he got married to…
By this time, I am straining to hear. Martin Lawrence and his annoying neighbour Pam are arguing very loudly but I dare not reduce the volume.
Mom: (suddenly turning to me) O na – ato gi okwa ya? (You are enjoying it, right?) To your room! Enough senior gist for one day. Nye m (give me) remote control. What channel is showing a Christian programme?
‘None’, I grumble under my breath as I get up.
.
.
Married to who???
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