I just listened to Nice’s 2008 hit song – Photocopy and I was reminded of something that happened some years back.
Back in Law School, there was a seminar organised by one of our lecturers who some said was also a pastor. I have noticed in Nigeria, sometimes Pastor is loosely used for anyone who knows some Bible verses and can quote them at will. Anyway, it was a Saturday and I didn’t want to attend the seminar. Firstly, I was not married as it was very publicised as ‘Marriage Seminar’ – I was unsure if we would be asked to show our left hands at the door. Secondly, the sun was hot and I was too lazy to do the 4-minute walk to the hall. Thirdly and most importantly I was scared of failing. I told myself repeatedly I had no spare time, it was all about those 6 courses and I was not coming back to repeat the Bar exams.
So with 2face’s ‘For Instance’, ‘See Me So’ and ‘You No Holy Pass” on repeat, I tried to study even as I could hear all the Wooowww!!!!!! Yeeessss!!!!!!!, thunderous clapping and excited cheers from the hall. I eventually slept off, it was increasingly difficult to concentrate with all the distractions anyway. I heard the attendees had a great time, they got to see a side of Lecturer E they had never known, a more ‘romantic’ (hiian!) side. He was married and had loads of advice for the married folks on what to do to sustain their marriages. They were tried, tested and trusted tips and had always worked for him. I don’t think he mentioned any other kind of relationships so good thing I stayed in my ‘boyfriend’ lane.
The next day, about midday, I sat on my bed with my books determined to cover as much as possible. A knock on the door and my roommate’s friend Ibiere ran into our room. I looked at her face, I saw that expression, that ‘hot gossip’ look and I knew it was Laugh O’ Clock – my favourite time of the day. She was laughing so hard, tears in her eyes, clutching her belly. I didn’t know what it was but I was already laughing. When we finally got her to calm down and give us the gist she asked if we heard about the seminar from the day before, everybody was talking about it. ‘A group of three women who sat next to me in the lounge when I had breakfast went on and on about it too’, I said, ‘One actually said she took notes’.
Ibiere said she overheard two women on the corridor talking. Overheard or eavesdropped? *oneeyebrowraised*. One woman – let’s call her Mrs A, was distraught, mostly embarrassed and wished she could turn back the hands of time. The other, Mrs B, was consoling her, telling her what she did was not a bad thing ‘Mba’, she had said, ‘Nne, you didn’t do anything wrong’.
You see, Mrs. A was at the seminar where Lecturer E told them that apart from looking good, smelling nice, using pet names, they should also make it habit of telling their husbands (or wives) the 3 magic words – I Love You. ‘It is very romantic’, he had told them. So that was how Mrs. A left the seminar with that romantic glow and called her husband a few hours later. I will recreate the conversation below;
Mrs. A: Hello dear, good evening. (Hoping he will acknowledge the ‘dear’)
Mr. A: (He doesn’t) Ehen, Nwanyi kedu? (Woman, how are you? – this has to be the least endearing way to address your wife)
Forging on, undeterred, she tries again…
Mrs. A: Honey I’m fine.
Mr. A: (still oblivious to the ‘honey’) Ok good. How is school?
Mrs. A: School is fine, we are getting ready for our exams. I just came from a discussion class organised by our fellowship.
Mr. A: That’s good. You have to read hard so you can pass. Your school fees and books, hmm, it is not small money I paid, you too you know. So do quick and come back and look after the children, they are always asking after you, but at least school will soon be over. You will be done next month, okwa ya (right?)
Mrs. A: Yes
Awkward silence
Mrs. A: Ermmm….
Mr. A: Nwanyi o gini? (woman, what is it?)
Mrs. A: (Quickly before she loses her nerve) I love you
That awkward oh-dear-ground-please-open-up-and-swallow-me-right-now moment.
Mr. A: Ehn??? I si gini (Say what)? Bia nwanyi (come, woman) Is that what they teach you in law school now? Is that what I sent you there to learn?
Mrs. A: Ermm, ermm…
Glow dimmed. Damn you Lecturer E!
Some men shaa, they will not make heaven I tell you! As much as it was really funny then and still is now, I wonder how one can live this down. He probably took pride in shutting down that foolishness. She is being corrupted in the law school. Imagine her telling him she loves him. Arrant nonsense!
Kech
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